Grown Folks Clothing

This year didn't start out well at all on my writing front. So much for New Year’s resolutions involving writing something every day. I only missed my mark by nearly three weeks, I guess, but damn do I need some work on getting creative stuff done.

I blame it on Bejewelled Blitz. I really do. And the worst part of that whole thing is I actually get worse the more I play that game. I don’t know if my brain just stops working because it knows I have wasted far too much time on something that means absolutely nothing, or if my eyes just start to get blurry from looking at stupid jewels that they give up and just start inserting things into the computer screen to entertain themselves.

Apparently, my eyes think leprechauns are pretty entertaining. I feel like I am fighting my way out of a bowl of lucky charms at times on that game. And the worst part about it is that after I have stopped playing the game I still try to move stuff around in my house to create a chain of three that will disappear. I just lined up a bill from the IRS, the cable bill and my car insurance bill in hopes they would blow up and be replaced by jewels of some sort but, unfortunately, no such luck.

It’s not like I don’t have stuff in the works besides my next conquest of Bejewelled. I do. I have several things in the works. The problem with me is that “the works” is inside of my mind and not anywhere near a place that could be considered tangible. Here are a few of my latest ideas (and don’t steal any of this stuff because I will come after you like an IRS agent that doesn’t like the fact you didn’t declare your 401(k) cashout as earned income in 2008 even though they ALREADY taxed it when I pulled it out):

A line of adult t-shirts that take actual children’s T-shirts and just makes them big enough for adult people to wear. I’m going to call my line of clothing "Grown Folks." Nothing says “I’m okay with myself” like a bright blue and green T-shirt that just says “Truck” on it right next to a cartoon picture of a dump truck. Forget all this children’s fashion crap about making kids clothes look like scaled-down versions of adult clothes. Let’s just make the adult clothes look like kids clothes and get rid of the age barriers and bias we have created as a society. Plus, people can have the EXACT same style for their entire life. That would be a first in the modern world. In fact, I am wearing my custom made “My Mommy Loves Me” shirt to the gym tomorrow. And my engineer’s choo choo cap.

I’m writing a cartoon about a group of science nerds who decide to use the scientific method and their knowledge of physics to project the final resting place of a fat kid they push down a hill as their final project in physics. They’re going to forget to take into account the train tracks at the bottom of the hill, the train schedule and the fact the fat kid ate a salad for lunch and is lighter than he would normally be at that time of day and they are all going to end up getting an F on their final project. Too bad. Maybe next year, nerds, when you get out of prison for manslaughter.

As some of you may know, I have been known to dabble in a bit of hip hop during my time here on earth. Since it has been roughly 19 years since I recorded my last album, I think I’m going to make a comeback and I’m going to do a rap album with the following song titles:

I Buy My Bling At The Swap Meet
Your Mom Goes To College
Yes, I Actually Am Hard (Go Ask The Guy I Just Beat Up)
Rippety Rhyme and A-Hippety Hop To The Izzo
Your Nipples Must Be Jealous
Respect The Police
Still Hard (‘Cause I Yelled At Your Grandma)
Tickled At The Thought Of Playing Hide The Pickle
Just Say No To Drugs (But Alcohol Is A-OK!)
30 Second Intervals of Pure Cussing, Volume I
I Can’t Believe Your Parents Named Their One-Legged Girl Eileen
Bleep You, Mother Bleeper (Radio Edit)
Reading Cosmo Doesn’t Make You Smarter
I Cordially Invite You To Leave The Premises
Gila Bend Gangster Stylee
This Town Is Like A Great Big Chicken Just Waiting To Get Plucked (My Ode to Network TV's Version of Scarface)
The Sesame Street Theme Song (Bonus Track)

Now all I have to do is go write them. Maybe after I play Bejewelled Blitz. Yep. That sounds about right.

B!