Buttslurpalicious Monday

Did you ever have one of those moments in your life where you realized, in no uncertain terms, that you had just wasted an entire year of your life with absolutely no gain? I got that today. And today sucks bootie because of that. With a straw. A curly straw that someone didn’t rinse out after drinking whole milk. Gross.

I guess I shouldn’t say I haven’t gotten anywhere in the past year, but I’m about as close to going nowhere as you can be without actually falling backwards. Luckily for me and my psyche, I fell backwards the year before last, so my lack of upward mobility in the past year is a HUGE improvement over the loss of $40,000 a year in salary I managed to throw down the year before last.

I could easily fall down into a depression that would make Eeyore look like an old dancing boy in comparison, but I’ve worked too hard at the gym and enjoyed way too much of an endorphin high today to drop into something like that. But it lurks. I promise you it does. And if it rears its ugly head I will hit it squarely in the grill with a bottle of something that Irish people use just before they car bomb something.

I know that won’t help, but if doing 2 hours of straight cardio isn’t going to help either, I might as well defile myself a bit in another direction, just for good measure.

So, in honor of the fact that my life is going nowhere, I have compiled a list of things that you can use in your life to help you lose your money, your cool condo by the golf course and the national forest in Flagstaff, your ability to golf every weekend and anything else you might generally like about your life.

#1. Tell your regional vice-president that he is wasting your time by spending a whole day in your store doing something that could have been done over e-mail. Apparently, VP’s like it when you kiss their ass, not when you point out how much his existence costs the company in travel fees, free lunches and complete bullshit. Let that be a lesson to all of you.

#2. Work for a company for 12 years that is going bankrupt. Yeah, that’s a bad move, I don’t care who you are. Because when it really comes down to it and they want to “trim the fat” so to speak, the first people they are going to come after are the ones that make the most money. And for those who wonder who makes the most money, it’s people who have worked there for 12 years, apparently. On the plus side, you will have a very valid reason for doing a victory dance when you read that they finally filed full-on bankruptcy and none of the bastards who pushed you out have jobs either. That will give you exactly 17 minutes of happiness before you realize that they probably got WAY better severance packages than you did.

#3. Drop out of college because the company that is going to go bankrupt offers you more money than any of your friends who have Master’s degrees. In the short run it seems like a really good idea to make more money than someone with an MBA, but in the long run your company will go bankrupt and they will still have Master’s degrees and you will work part-time somewhere with no opportunity for advancement, wondering what happened to the last 15 years of your life.

#4. Change your major from Communications to Business Administration because there is more money in business even though the communications classes are the only classes that you ACTUALLY enjoy in college. When they say, “Do what you love” they are NOT kidding. No one has ever given advice anyone thought was sage when they said, “Take the first job that comes along and run it into the ground, then flounder for the next 6 years, hoping for something better.” Oh wait, somehow I found that to be the best advice to take.

#5. Whatever you do, DON’T get good grades in high school and earn scholarships to college. The best thing to do is score in the 98th percentile on every standardized test you have ever taken, get a 31 on the ACT, reject all the scholarship offers to schools in stupid states like Georgia and Iowa, and go to the U of A for one semester before transferring back to NAU because the girls in Tucson won’t talk to you because you’re not in a fraternity. It is much, MUCH cooler to be $48,000 in student loan debt with no degree than it is to go to a real school for free and actually graduate doing something you love to do. Remember, only stupid people do smart things with their life.

I hope everyone is more stupid than I am. But I think it’s that kind of thought process that got me where I am today.

Like I said, today is buttslurpalicious.

B