Let’s face it, my last blog was a bit of a downer. It’s okay, you can admit it, and more importantly, so can I. It was a downer because yesterday was a downer of a day and I will punch your lips through the back of your head if you disagree with me.
I say that because today is more of a rager. I don’t care that “rager” isn’t technically a word. I will keep using it anyway because that’s what I do. Whereas yesterday I was blah and bummed out and whatever, today I am actively seeking fights with people just because I want to see how far I can push people. I almost made an idiot wreck his car today trying to get in front of me because I wanted to see how much of an asshole he would be in an effort to get one car length ahead of me.
Turns out his bootie sphincter has an enormous capacity for growth. It would probably have even more capacity if he would just relax. At least that’s what Frankie Goes To Hollywood says. It turns out that if I push the right person’s buttons, they will actually drive 60 MPH through a school zone in an effort to get ahead of me. Don’t worry, I went 15 through that school zone because I know how the lights are timed on that road and I ended up right next to the guy anyway. And then I stared at him until the light changed. He loved that. He may have peed on himself. Perhaps he was wearing Depends and was going to do that anyway. I like to think I helped the process though.
The funny thing about people driving like assholes is that most of them know they are doing it so when they get called on it, they realize how shitty they are as members of a modern society and they sit in their cockpits and pee themselves a bit when a guy much bigger and angrier than them stares down at them while they pray for the light to change.
One of these days I will probably get shot doing something like that. And I will deserve it, but just know that if I turn up dead in some kind of road rage incident, whoever shot me was being a complete dick and all I was doing was making sure his day was as shitty as possible by making him stay in his own lane. Turns out my day probably ended up shittier if I got shot, but at least I’m not a dick.
Man, that’s weird talking about your death in the future/past tense. I think there are probably some grammar rules that I broke because of that, but they are rules that I made up anyway just for that scenario so if they are broken it is only because I said they are. Plus, I was living in the future and the past at the same time, so what did you expect?
But I digress, because what I really wanted to talk about today was how women put men through the most horrific torture known to modern man: shopping with women.
Seriously, it might be the worst thing ever invented with a couple of special exceptions, including, but not limited to, Texas and Rosie O’Donnell. I’ve never been stuck in a whirligig or put in stocks in the town square, but I have been shoe shopping at Charlotte Russe and I swear it is the same thing. Maybe watching an episode of Rosie’s show taped in Texas while sitting in the stocks inside of a whirligig could be worse, but just barely.
I don’t want to turn this into a big war of the sexes or anything, but women shop like animals. ANIMALS! Don’t believe me? Just go to any department store on a weekend and look at the return rack for the fitting rooms. Women have crap everywhere. Everywhere! There are ill-fitting pants hanging from ceiling fans, a ball of hangers the size of Donald Trump’s ego on the floor, and piles of loose thread and yarn that used to be garments of clothing stacked up on the back of the register. If you stick around the selling floor long enough, you will actually see women throw things that don’t fit them like they are cloth shurikens, creating airborne clothing designs that look like the girl from Ally McBeal is doing flying cartwheels through the dressing rooms.
A shuriken is a Chinese throwing star, for those of you who are not hip to Bruce Lee and everything else that is cool in the world. And the Ally McBeal chick is the really skinny girl who looks like an alien and was the inspiration for the 4th Indiana Jones movie, for those of you not hip to stuff I just made up.
Do you know what men throw? They throw out their back at the thought of having to go shopping with a woman and be subjected to the horror. A man would rather fake an injury than be forced to spend an afternoon with his best girl at the mall.
Yeah, I said best girl. What else do you want? I definitely wouldn’t hit up the mall with my worst girl either, unless she just wanted to go to Best Buy and perhaps The Sports Authority and NOWHERE ELSE. If that were the case, I would instantly turn her into my best girl and STILL avoid the mall with her because all of that, “Let’s go to Best Buy” is just a way of buttonhooking you into ending up at Charlotte Russe with her and wishing your heart would explode so you would have a legitimate excuse to leave the building without pissing her off.
Ah, who am I kidding, she’d still be pissed off. But at least she’d come out of there with 7 pairs of shoes for $100 so she’d have something to model for me while I was laid up in the hospital waiting for the doctors to work some “Six Million Dollar Man” magic on my ticker to get me back in the game stronger, faster, smarter and genetically engineered to withstand the rigors of watching a woman try to decide if blue or black shoes would match a piece of clothing they haven’t even bought yet.
Nothing like a captive audience to show your shoes to, right ladies?
B!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Buttslurpalicious Monday
Did you ever have one of those moments in your life where you realized, in no uncertain terms, that you had just wasted an entire year of your life with absolutely no gain? I got that today. And today sucks bootie because of that. With a straw. A curly straw that someone didn’t rinse out after drinking whole milk. Gross.
I guess I shouldn’t say I haven’t gotten anywhere in the past year, but I’m about as close to going nowhere as you can be without actually falling backwards. Luckily for me and my psyche, I fell backwards the year before last, so my lack of upward mobility in the past year is a HUGE improvement over the loss of $40,000 a year in salary I managed to throw down the year before last.
I could easily fall down into a depression that would make Eeyore look like an old dancing boy in comparison, but I’ve worked too hard at the gym and enjoyed way too much of an endorphin high today to drop into something like that. But it lurks. I promise you it does. And if it rears its ugly head I will hit it squarely in the grill with a bottle of something that Irish people use just before they car bomb something.
I know that won’t help, but if doing 2 hours of straight cardio isn’t going to help either, I might as well defile myself a bit in another direction, just for good measure.
So, in honor of the fact that my life is going nowhere, I have compiled a list of things that you can use in your life to help you lose your money, your cool condo by the golf course and the national forest in Flagstaff, your ability to golf every weekend and anything else you might generally like about your life.
#1. Tell your regional vice-president that he is wasting your time by spending a whole day in your store doing something that could have been done over e-mail. Apparently, VP’s like it when you kiss their ass, not when you point out how much his existence costs the company in travel fees, free lunches and complete bullshit. Let that be a lesson to all of you.
#2. Work for a company for 12 years that is going bankrupt. Yeah, that’s a bad move, I don’t care who you are. Because when it really comes down to it and they want to “trim the fat” so to speak, the first people they are going to come after are the ones that make the most money. And for those who wonder who makes the most money, it’s people who have worked there for 12 years, apparently. On the plus side, you will have a very valid reason for doing a victory dance when you read that they finally filed full-on bankruptcy and none of the bastards who pushed you out have jobs either. That will give you exactly 17 minutes of happiness before you realize that they probably got WAY better severance packages than you did.
#3. Drop out of college because the company that is going to go bankrupt offers you more money than any of your friends who have Master’s degrees. In the short run it seems like a really good idea to make more money than someone with an MBA, but in the long run your company will go bankrupt and they will still have Master’s degrees and you will work part-time somewhere with no opportunity for advancement, wondering what happened to the last 15 years of your life.
#4. Change your major from Communications to Business Administration because there is more money in business even though the communications classes are the only classes that you ACTUALLY enjoy in college. When they say, “Do what you love” they are NOT kidding. No one has ever given advice anyone thought was sage when they said, “Take the first job that comes along and run it into the ground, then flounder for the next 6 years, hoping for something better.” Oh wait, somehow I found that to be the best advice to take.
#5. Whatever you do, DON’T get good grades in high school and earn scholarships to college. The best thing to do is score in the 98th percentile on every standardized test you have ever taken, get a 31 on the ACT, reject all the scholarship offers to schools in stupid states like Georgia and Iowa, and go to the U of A for one semester before transferring back to NAU because the girls in Tucson won’t talk to you because you’re not in a fraternity. It is much, MUCH cooler to be $48,000 in student loan debt with no degree than it is to go to a real school for free and actually graduate doing something you love to do. Remember, only stupid people do smart things with their life.
I hope everyone is more stupid than I am. But I think it’s that kind of thought process that got me where I am today.
Like I said, today is buttslurpalicious.
B
I guess I shouldn’t say I haven’t gotten anywhere in the past year, but I’m about as close to going nowhere as you can be without actually falling backwards. Luckily for me and my psyche, I fell backwards the year before last, so my lack of upward mobility in the past year is a HUGE improvement over the loss of $40,000 a year in salary I managed to throw down the year before last.
I could easily fall down into a depression that would make Eeyore look like an old dancing boy in comparison, but I’ve worked too hard at the gym and enjoyed way too much of an endorphin high today to drop into something like that. But it lurks. I promise you it does. And if it rears its ugly head I will hit it squarely in the grill with a bottle of something that Irish people use just before they car bomb something.
I know that won’t help, but if doing 2 hours of straight cardio isn’t going to help either, I might as well defile myself a bit in another direction, just for good measure.
So, in honor of the fact that my life is going nowhere, I have compiled a list of things that you can use in your life to help you lose your money, your cool condo by the golf course and the national forest in Flagstaff, your ability to golf every weekend and anything else you might generally like about your life.
#1. Tell your regional vice-president that he is wasting your time by spending a whole day in your store doing something that could have been done over e-mail. Apparently, VP’s like it when you kiss their ass, not when you point out how much his existence costs the company in travel fees, free lunches and complete bullshit. Let that be a lesson to all of you.
#2. Work for a company for 12 years that is going bankrupt. Yeah, that’s a bad move, I don’t care who you are. Because when it really comes down to it and they want to “trim the fat” so to speak, the first people they are going to come after are the ones that make the most money. And for those who wonder who makes the most money, it’s people who have worked there for 12 years, apparently. On the plus side, you will have a very valid reason for doing a victory dance when you read that they finally filed full-on bankruptcy and none of the bastards who pushed you out have jobs either. That will give you exactly 17 minutes of happiness before you realize that they probably got WAY better severance packages than you did.
#3. Drop out of college because the company that is going to go bankrupt offers you more money than any of your friends who have Master’s degrees. In the short run it seems like a really good idea to make more money than someone with an MBA, but in the long run your company will go bankrupt and they will still have Master’s degrees and you will work part-time somewhere with no opportunity for advancement, wondering what happened to the last 15 years of your life.
#4. Change your major from Communications to Business Administration because there is more money in business even though the communications classes are the only classes that you ACTUALLY enjoy in college. When they say, “Do what you love” they are NOT kidding. No one has ever given advice anyone thought was sage when they said, “Take the first job that comes along and run it into the ground, then flounder for the next 6 years, hoping for something better.” Oh wait, somehow I found that to be the best advice to take.
#5. Whatever you do, DON’T get good grades in high school and earn scholarships to college. The best thing to do is score in the 98th percentile on every standardized test you have ever taken, get a 31 on the ACT, reject all the scholarship offers to schools in stupid states like Georgia and Iowa, and go to the U of A for one semester before transferring back to NAU because the girls in Tucson won’t talk to you because you’re not in a fraternity. It is much, MUCH cooler to be $48,000 in student loan debt with no degree than it is to go to a real school for free and actually graduate doing something you love to do. Remember, only stupid people do smart things with their life.
I hope everyone is more stupid than I am. But I think it’s that kind of thought process that got me where I am today.
Like I said, today is buttslurpalicious.
B
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Grown Folks Clothing
This year didn't start out well at all on my writing front. So much for New Year’s resolutions involving writing something every day. I only missed my mark by nearly three weeks, I guess, but damn do I need some work on getting creative stuff done.
I blame it on Bejewelled Blitz. I really do. And the worst part of that whole thing is I actually get worse the more I play that game. I don’t know if my brain just stops working because it knows I have wasted far too much time on something that means absolutely nothing, or if my eyes just start to get blurry from looking at stupid jewels that they give up and just start inserting things into the computer screen to entertain themselves.
Apparently, my eyes think leprechauns are pretty entertaining. I feel like I am fighting my way out of a bowl of lucky charms at times on that game. And the worst part about it is that after I have stopped playing the game I still try to move stuff around in my house to create a chain of three that will disappear. I just lined up a bill from the IRS, the cable bill and my car insurance bill in hopes they would blow up and be replaced by jewels of some sort but, unfortunately, no such luck.
It’s not like I don’t have stuff in the works besides my next conquest of Bejewelled. I do. I have several things in the works. The problem with me is that “the works” is inside of my mind and not anywhere near a place that could be considered tangible. Here are a few of my latest ideas (and don’t steal any of this stuff because I will come after you like an IRS agent that doesn’t like the fact you didn’t declare your 401(k) cashout as earned income in 2008 even though they ALREADY taxed it when I pulled it out):
A line of adult t-shirts that take actual children’s T-shirts and just makes them big enough for adult people to wear. I’m going to call my line of clothing "Grown Folks." Nothing says “I’m okay with myself” like a bright blue and green T-shirt that just says “Truck” on it right next to a cartoon picture of a dump truck. Forget all this children’s fashion crap about making kids clothes look like scaled-down versions of adult clothes. Let’s just make the adult clothes look like kids clothes and get rid of the age barriers and bias we have created as a society. Plus, people can have the EXACT same style for their entire life. That would be a first in the modern world. In fact, I am wearing my custom made “My Mommy Loves Me” shirt to the gym tomorrow. And my engineer’s choo choo cap.
I’m writing a cartoon about a group of science nerds who decide to use the scientific method and their knowledge of physics to project the final resting place of a fat kid they push down a hill as their final project in physics. They’re going to forget to take into account the train tracks at the bottom of the hill, the train schedule and the fact the fat kid ate a salad for lunch and is lighter than he would normally be at that time of day and they are all going to end up getting an F on their final project. Too bad. Maybe next year, nerds, when you get out of prison for manslaughter.
As some of you may know, I have been known to dabble in a bit of hip hop during my time here on earth. Since it has been roughly 19 years since I recorded my last album, I think I’m going to make a comeback and I’m going to do a rap album with the following song titles:
I Buy My Bling At The Swap Meet
Your Mom Goes To College
Yes, I Actually Am Hard (Go Ask The Guy I Just Beat Up)
Rippety Rhyme and A-Hippety Hop To The Izzo
Your Nipples Must Be Jealous
Respect The Police
Still Hard (‘Cause I Yelled At Your Grandma)
Tickled At The Thought Of Playing Hide The Pickle
Just Say No To Drugs (But Alcohol Is A-OK!)
30 Second Intervals of Pure Cussing, Volume I
I Can’t Believe Your Parents Named Their One-Legged Girl Eileen
Bleep You, Mother Bleeper (Radio Edit)
Reading Cosmo Doesn’t Make You Smarter
I Cordially Invite You To Leave The Premises
Gila Bend Gangster Stylee
This Town Is Like A Great Big Chicken Just Waiting To Get Plucked (My Ode to Network TV's Version of Scarface)
The Sesame Street Theme Song (Bonus Track)
Now all I have to do is go write them. Maybe after I play Bejewelled Blitz. Yep. That sounds about right.
B!
I blame it on Bejewelled Blitz. I really do. And the worst part of that whole thing is I actually get worse the more I play that game. I don’t know if my brain just stops working because it knows I have wasted far too much time on something that means absolutely nothing, or if my eyes just start to get blurry from looking at stupid jewels that they give up and just start inserting things into the computer screen to entertain themselves.
Apparently, my eyes think leprechauns are pretty entertaining. I feel like I am fighting my way out of a bowl of lucky charms at times on that game. And the worst part about it is that after I have stopped playing the game I still try to move stuff around in my house to create a chain of three that will disappear. I just lined up a bill from the IRS, the cable bill and my car insurance bill in hopes they would blow up and be replaced by jewels of some sort but, unfortunately, no such luck.
It’s not like I don’t have stuff in the works besides my next conquest of Bejewelled. I do. I have several things in the works. The problem with me is that “the works” is inside of my mind and not anywhere near a place that could be considered tangible. Here are a few of my latest ideas (and don’t steal any of this stuff because I will come after you like an IRS agent that doesn’t like the fact you didn’t declare your 401(k) cashout as earned income in 2008 even though they ALREADY taxed it when I pulled it out):
A line of adult t-shirts that take actual children’s T-shirts and just makes them big enough for adult people to wear. I’m going to call my line of clothing "Grown Folks." Nothing says “I’m okay with myself” like a bright blue and green T-shirt that just says “Truck” on it right next to a cartoon picture of a dump truck. Forget all this children’s fashion crap about making kids clothes look like scaled-down versions of adult clothes. Let’s just make the adult clothes look like kids clothes and get rid of the age barriers and bias we have created as a society. Plus, people can have the EXACT same style for their entire life. That would be a first in the modern world. In fact, I am wearing my custom made “My Mommy Loves Me” shirt to the gym tomorrow. And my engineer’s choo choo cap.
I’m writing a cartoon about a group of science nerds who decide to use the scientific method and their knowledge of physics to project the final resting place of a fat kid they push down a hill as their final project in physics. They’re going to forget to take into account the train tracks at the bottom of the hill, the train schedule and the fact the fat kid ate a salad for lunch and is lighter than he would normally be at that time of day and they are all going to end up getting an F on their final project. Too bad. Maybe next year, nerds, when you get out of prison for manslaughter.
As some of you may know, I have been known to dabble in a bit of hip hop during my time here on earth. Since it has been roughly 19 years since I recorded my last album, I think I’m going to make a comeback and I’m going to do a rap album with the following song titles:
I Buy My Bling At The Swap Meet
Your Mom Goes To College
Yes, I Actually Am Hard (Go Ask The Guy I Just Beat Up)
Rippety Rhyme and A-Hippety Hop To The Izzo
Your Nipples Must Be Jealous
Respect The Police
Still Hard (‘Cause I Yelled At Your Grandma)
Tickled At The Thought Of Playing Hide The Pickle
Just Say No To Drugs (But Alcohol Is A-OK!)
30 Second Intervals of Pure Cussing, Volume I
I Can’t Believe Your Parents Named Their One-Legged Girl Eileen
Bleep You, Mother Bleeper (Radio Edit)
Reading Cosmo Doesn’t Make You Smarter
I Cordially Invite You To Leave The Premises
Gila Bend Gangster Stylee
This Town Is Like A Great Big Chicken Just Waiting To Get Plucked (My Ode to Network TV's Version of Scarface)
The Sesame Street Theme Song (Bonus Track)
Now all I have to do is go write them. Maybe after I play Bejewelled Blitz. Yep. That sounds about right.
B!
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