Today I was driving home from work when the song, “Meet Me Halfway” by the Black Eyed Peas came on the radio for like the 900th time in the last two days. I have gone into depth in previous posts about how much I hate the Black Eyed Peas and how they have pretty much ruined music in the early 2000’s.

I can’t really fault somebody for making shitty music that the masses latch onto. It has happened time and time again over the years. I will freely admit that I was a fan of MC Hammer back in the days when he was absolutely demolishing real rap music with his vapid lyrics and “marbles in the mouth” delivery. The only reason I listened to Hammer was because his beats were SO DAMN GOOD! In fact, they are still good and you know it.

The main thing that separates MC Hammer from the whole horrifying thing that is The Black Eyed Peas is that MC Hammer isn’t a liar like Will.i.am is. When MC Hammer says, “You can’t touch this” it is the absolute truth. Did you ever try to touch it? Were you successful? Of course not, because you couldn’t touch it, just like MC Hammer said.

On the other hand, you have lyrics like these from Will.i.am in the Black Eyed Peas’ song “Meet Me Halfway”:

Girl, I travel round the world and even sail the seven seas
Across the universe I go to other galaxies
Just tell me where to go, just tell me where you wanna to meet
I navigate myself to take me where you be

Now, let me break this down so I can prove that this dude is a liar. First, we will take the line “Girl, I travel round the world and even sail the seven seas.” There is a girl involved, apparently, so this must be a love song. And because this is a love song, there has to be these unreal statements of devotion from the man to the woman because most love songs are full of shit and girls eat that shit up. I believe he would travel around the world, but not for a girl. It would probably because he was on tour and had some concerts scheduled in places that would take him to several different cities around the globe.

As far as him sailing the seven seas? Not a chance. Not a chance in hell. Do you know how much time that would take? Do you know how dangerous that is? I don’t think anyone has ACTUALLY sailed the seven seas in like 150 years. They have engines now that eliminate the need for sails on a boat. Maybe he was so busy flying around in his G-5 airplane that he didn’t realize that. A better lyric would probably be “Girl, I go from place to place in cities around the globe but I try to stay away from places that don’t have 5 star hotels and limo service, and I would probably take a cruise ship from Miami to Jamaica, but I don’t have much more free time in my schedule for that because I have to drive Fergie to an audition to play young Jack Nicholson in the newest Batman movie.”

Now, the lyric “Across the universe I go to other galaxies” has got to be examined closely. Not for any other reason than the fact that if he were actually going to travel across the universe, he is in the wrong business for it. Even that kid from N’Sync got denied his little jaunt into space and that dude was way more popular than the Black Eyed Peas will ever be. The only way for him to get a trip into space would be for him to join the Air Force, become a pilot, work his way through the ranks, get into the astronaut training program, dazzle his superiors and be lucky enough to get assigned onto a space shuttle mission. Unfortunately for him, the space shuttle doesn’t have the capability to go across the universe or even another galaxy, and I’m pretty sure NASA would be pissed if he blew his whole space mission just to meet some girl and hopefully get some ass. Here’s a better lyric: “Across the street to Waffle House I’ll slip you a hotel key.”

The next lyric, “Just tell me where to go, just tell me where you want to meet” is the most realistic lyric in the verse because, as we all know, girls control the when, where and how any booty exchange takes place. Of course, by admitting to the woman that she is in control of where you will go with your life you have just F’ed yourself and you have given her the “hand” in the relationship. If you don’t understand “hand” you should go watch re-runs of Seinfeld until you get a better grasp on the way the universe works. Suffice it to say that if he does actually show up where she wants him to show up, he might get some ass but he will definitely have given her the upper hand in the relationship and she will probably actually send him across the galaxy at some point JUST BECAUSE SHE CAN. Way to go, dumbass! You’ve got to think of these things before singing them to your girl. And stop singing them to other people’s girls because I GUARANTEE there is some idiot girl getting ready to ask her boyfriend, “Would you travel across the universe for me?”

How the hell do you answer that? You can’t tell the truth (“Shoot, I barely like walking across the room for you, do you really want me to answer that?”) so you HAVE to lie. Way to make liars out of everyone, Will.

The last lyric, “I navigate myself to take me where you be” is not only a lie, but it’s an idiotic one because in the line previous he tells her to tell him where to go. If someone tells you which way to go, what does that make them? A navigator, perhaps? So how are you going to navigate yourself if you have to ask someone else where to go? That doesn’t work, unless he is talking about literally driving a Lincoln Navigator to where she wants to meet, but those things would never make it into space to go across the universe, and even if they could, they get horrible gas mileage and there’s no place to fill up. Plus, that thing would sink in the first of the seven seas and it would get crushed under the weight of the ocean.

This guy can barely navigate himself across a music track without making several stupid mistakes. I really hope this girl doesn’t hold her breath in hopes that he really will meet her halfway. She’ll be dead somewhere and he’ll have driven his SUV into a lake. Maybe she’ll be holding her breath halfway across the lake.

Hmm.

Maybe they deserve each other.

B!