A Thanksgiving Day Blog

I promise I am trying not to make everything I write during the next few weeks about the holidays coming up, but since this is probably the first time I am planning on actually writing something on Thanksgiving I might as well write about the holidays again. Don’t worry, I’ll be back to complaining about stupid people with their stupid faces in their stupid cars with their stupid driving habits by the middle of next week. Maybe. You might just end up getting a bunch of sentimental drivel for the next 5 weeks and then a tome about how happy I am going to be when I get wasted on New Year’s Eve.

Speaking of getting wasted, I was reminded last night that Thanksgiving Eve is the busiest bar night in America. That’s something you don’t think about when you don’t hit the bars all the time like I used to do (when did I get so lame and old?) back when I was a young buck with disposable income, lots of free time and a bulletproof liver. To me, Thanksgiving Eve was just another Wednesday night with 2 for 1’s at Mulligan’s, $2 U-Call-It’s at The Depot Cantina and the trailer park’s night out at Club R&R in Flagstaff (that should be quite a walk down memory lane for a few people who used to frequent those establishments). And Thanksgiving Day was just a day where I had to drive back home from Laughlin, Nevada because somehow the 2-4-1’s made me end up in a different state with bars that closed at a time I like to call “never.”

I have already gone into detail in my previous blog about how I have spent more Christmases with other families than my own. Thanksgiving is a whole very similar animal. The last Thanksgiving I can remember spending with my family was in 1992 or 1993. For those of you who are mathematically challenged, it’s been at least 16 years since I hung with the fam on turkey day.

So for the last 16 years I have had to come up with something else to do on what I consider to be the lamest holiday of the year. For those of you who go crazy talking about “oh, but the food” and “the food” and “don’t forget the food,” guess what? I eat food EVERY OTHER DAY OF THE YEAR. And guess what I eat just about every other day of the year? Nope, not candied yams, those things are disgusting and should be against the law. Guess again. Correct, I eat TURKEY.

I eat turkey at least five days a week, and probably closer to six since I don’t eat out as much as I used to. What this means to me is that turkey is just another protein source, not some huge deal where I need to work myself into a frenzy before I eat it like I’m some kind of shark that only eats barnyard animals. As far as I can tell, it is possible to buy and cook a turkey 365 days a year. 366 on leap years. It’s not like the animal is seasonal. It’s not an F’ing watermelon. It’s a turkey. The meanest and dumbest and most delicious bird in the history of the earth. People talk about eating the turkey like it is some mythical creature that only appears when a parade happens in New York City.

Good God don’t get me started on parades. Dammit, you did. I will just say that a parade is something invented when there was no such thing as cable TV. Or electricity, probably. It was something invented when kids used to entertain themselves by running around with a stick trying to keep a hoop rolling down the street. Enough said? I guarantee that if kids had PSP’s and Nintendo DS systems back in the days we would not be watching a Thanksgiving Day Parade. We’d be watching a Thanksgiving Day robot cage match and it would be the most awesome thing ever seen on TV.

So when people ask me if I’m excited for Thanksgiving, I am not. I am excited for a day off of work with football on TV. But there are other days like that in the world. I’m trying to think of what they are. Hmmmm. Oh yeah, now I remember, they are called SUNDAYS. How could I forget? Thanksgiving is just a Sunday in disguise. As far as I’m concerned, Thanksgiving is a Sunday with “The Office” on instead of “The Simpsons.” Oh, and everything is closed but Denny’s, and that works out just fine for me because, like I said, I don’t eat out as much as I used to so Thanksgiving actually saves me money.

Thanks Thanksgiving. You’re a doll. A big dumb stupid delicious doll who is going to make me spend 4 hours a day in the gym to work off the damage I’m going to do to myself this afternoon.

On second thought, F U Thanksgiving. You’re a pain in my ass. I wish Taco Bell was open today. If you were a Sunday, like you pretend to be, I could get my chicken chalupas and lounge in peace. Maybe Taco Bell should work on a turkey chalupa, just for days like today.

Mmmm, chalupas. Then I’d only have to spend 3 hours in the gym to work it off.

Happy Thanksgiving, fuckers.

B!