Global Warming: Women's Fault?

I work with 95% women. This should go over well.

I very recently put myself in charge of a fact-finding team designed to provide the government with all the answers it could possibly need for reducing our carbon footprint and eliminating global warming. The team consisted of me, Wikipedia, and a half a bottle of Ten High Whiskey. Unfortunately for everyone involved I had no Coke to mix the Ten High with and there was a Ghost Adventures marathon on the Travel Channel and I just got the NFL RedZone channel so I found myself with MUCH more important things to do than find out a bunch of stupid facts. These developments pretty much put an end to any fact-finding missions and should serve as a lesson to myself to avoid putting me in charge of anything during football season.

I did manage to put some deep thought in during halftime of the Sunday night game this past weekend while I was sitting on the throne having a constitutional the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since my days of drinking Michelob Dark straight from the keg. The moment of epiphany happened when I tried to return to the game and I realized that there was no toilet paper handy and I was, for all intents and purposes, stranded on the toilet.

The epiphany was this: somehow this is probably a woman’s fault. And if a woman could perpetrate this evil on my world, what are they doing to the rest of the world? It’s gotta be big.

Before anyone gets mad at me, you need to look at the one fact I did look up: women can’t even blow their nose without using half a roll of toilet paper. Have you ever seen a woman sit there and roll off a bunch of TP around their hand when they have a runny nose? I’m always like, “What are you doing, building yourself some mittens? Are you going out to the Arctic Circle to get in a boxing match with a walrus?” and the girl ALWAYS says, “No, I’m blowing my nose, smart ass.” (Interesting side note, my ass is not smart at all, though it does have a level of intelligence that should make a lot of people jealous, especially people who pronounce the word “nuclear” as nuke-u-lar and who say things like “supposubly” and “ath-a-lete”)

After whipping off half a roll of TP the girl will give a little half-hearted blow that sounds like something an asthmatic might come up with after running a mile through a forest fire at 10,000 feet and then throw the wad of paper into the toilet and clog it. She will flush the toilet at least 5 times before coming to the conclusion she is going to need the plunger. Then she will say something like, “Ugh, I have to blow my nose again,” and use the rest of your Ultra Charmin Megapak so you have to make another trip to Costco just so you can enjoy your morning constitutional the next day.

Toilet paper, made in a factory, global warming. Using 5 gallons of water to flush her booger mittens down the commode . . . just plain wasteful and probably linked to global warming somehow.

If men have a runny nose they will use two sheets of toilet paper and then blow so hard they not only blow a hole through the toilet paper but sometimes they lose a finger. No worries, right guys? Modern science can re-attach a finger and have you back playing “Chopsticks” on the piano in a long weekend nowadays. Hell, guys know that snot washes off on a good, old-fashioned shirt sleeve. There’s no need for a 4-inch buffer zone made up of toilet paper between your fingers and your snot. Women treat snot like it’s something that requires a Hazmat team and a neighborhood quarantine. I came home from work the other day and I thought the government had discovered E.T. in my neighborhood. It turns out the lady next door just had a slightly runny nose.

Which brings us to another reason women are destroying the earth. Men will use a bar of Lava soap and a four-second burst of water to clean up. Not familiar with Lava soap? It’s basically like washing your hands with a volcanic rock, which makes it DOUBLY awesome because volcanoes probably killed all the dinosaurs and now they are a party to getting all the nose goo off your hands and cleaning out that wound where your finger used to be. Volcanoes are also good for making sure no one goes to Iceland, which is also good for the environment because we save on jet fuel and then Bjork doesn’t kill any more fake geese to make dresses out of if no one is there to watch her. Seriously, if you ignore her she will just go away. So will Iceland. I’m trying to get that on a ballot somewhere just as soon as I can talk Rosie O’Donnell into going over there first.

Women, on the other hand, need to immediately run to the bathroom and squirt about 18 pumps of anti-bacterial soap from a plastic bottle into their hands before washing them under the running tap water for 6 minutes and then deciding they need to take a shower anyway. Anti-bacterial soap, made in a factory, global warming. Plastic bottle, made in a factory, global warming.

So this now brings us to the shower routines of the sexes. A man could clean his whole body with one Q-tip and a piece of tree bark if he needed to. Women can’t even clean their ears without using a minimum of 17 Q-tips, 4 rolls of toilet paper and a Shop-Vac.

If we get into the electricity usage for hair care, we REALLY step into a world of women destroying the earth. My own personal hair care routine calls for exactly 5 minutes of electricity usage every month while I shave my head (if you don’t count the electricity used to power the lightbulbs in my bathroom, which I don’t because I don’t think bathroom lights use any electricity, they work on magic). I like it close and tight and I eventually might invest in some head blades so I reduce my electricity use to zero. The only POSSIBLE way a man would use electricity would be if he blow dries his hair, but if your man blow dries his hair you’ve got more things to worry about than how he is destroying the earth through global warming. You might also want to know what kind of panties he wears when you’re not home and where he keeps his copies of Teen Bop where the pages of Justin Bieber’s photo layouts are stuck together.

Ewww. Gross. Exactly. Just like men blow-drying their hair. Sort it out fellas. That ended in the 1970’s when the Hardy Boys got canceled.

I can also tell you an indirect way women destroy the earth. Date night. If we get rid of date nights we can get rid of 437 million billion cubic metric tons of ozone depleting, um, stuff. How?

What happens is a dude asks a girl out and they decide on a time. “What time?” she asks. “I’ll pick you up at 8,” is his reply.

So, 8 o’clock rolls around and the guy, being the type of person who doesn’t hate the environment, shows up at about 7:58 PM. He knocks on the door, she answers the door wearing three towels. One on her head, one covering her body and one wrapped around her shoulders for NO REASON. “I’ll just be a second,” she says, “Just watch some TV and I’ll be right out.” Three towels to wash later. Global warming.

Boom, the TV goes on. Electricity usage. Global warming. In the bathroom the sounds of getting ready waft into the TV room. Blow dryer. Curling iron. Blowing the nose. Plunging the toilet. Global warming x 4. She tries on 6 outfits. Doesn’t like any of them, but throws them all in the hamper to be washed because for some reason if a piece of fabric touches the female skin it accrues an otherworldly filth and must be disinfected in the washing machine using all-temperature Tide detergent in hot water before it can even be looked at again.

Finally, at 8:37 she emerges, ready to go. But there’s a kink in the plans because now the guy is 37 minutes into “The First 48” and there’s NO WAY he’s leaving until he finds out if Pookie and BoBo really shot that dude and which one of them is going to cry first in the interrogation room. More electricity usage. This time used by the man, but can be directly attributed to the woman not being ready on time so we get to blame that on her, too. Also, it’s quite possible that the TV show “The First 48” also works on magic, just like the lights in the bathroom. It is a scientific fact, however, that the show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” does not work on magic and it actually takes twice as much electricity to run because listening to rich people argue about whether or not they are going to get Lasik surgery causes the television to suffer convulsions and creates a power drain at the electric company. At least that's what I thought I read on the website.

Then, at 8:58, when Pookie finally breaks down and blames it all on BoBo, they leave. The girl complains that she is hungry and they need to get to the restaurant faster, so the man punches the gas and speeds to the restaurant. Wasting of a finite resource + CO2 emissions, global warming. I won’t even get into the differences in what the people order and how that affects the environment. Mostly because I don’t feel like it, but partly because I think I have probably pissed enough people off and caused enough problems for myself for one night and it’s almost time for Ghost Hunters.

See ya.

B!