Ugh, I just feel “off” today. Not necessarily sick or anything, just not quite at full strength. I’ve had a bit of a chest cold going on I think. It took me a few days to realize that I was having trouble breathing and that it really doesn’t feel like asthma. I keep waking up with spilkus in my ganecktagazoink and I find that I can’t really take a deep breath unless I really concentrate on it. I even skipped the gym today so I could come home and take a nap.
It was a good nap though, let me tell you.
So I am still working on finding a way to actually have a point to all of this writing. I did put some words down on my screenplay yesterday (about a page worth) so I think I might slowly be moving out of my block. I just feel like something major is missing right now. I feel like I need to be on a road trip or something. I have the next three days off and it is severely depressing that I don’t have something major planned for those days. There was a time in my life when I would ALREADY be sitting at Loser’s Lounge with my 4th beer of the night in hand already. Now I’m just glad for a nap and some pretty good preseason football (the Packers are playing the Colts and the Packers look pretty F’ing good). Maybe I will take the dogs for a walk tomorrow or something.
I was thinking today about how I have flashes of brilliance as far as comedy writing goes but then I go through really long stretches where I have absolutely nothing. I wonder how guys who do that stuff for a living get around those blocks. I was also thinking about how I have literally NEVER put all of myself into anything in my life. I have always done things halfway. I talked to a guy about it when I was busy failing my chemistry class in high school (both of us were “smart” kids who were getting our asses kicked by that class so we both kind of just shut down) and he said that we were both afraid of failure so it is much easier to not try than it is to put forth effort and fail.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So what would happen if I ever put everything I had into a goal? Would I surprise myself or would I revert back to my old standby of not trying at all so when the inevitable failure occurred I could always say, “Well, I didn’t REALLY try that hard now, did I?”
I am getting to the part of life where I am too old to do some things and too young to think that way. Does that make sense? I see people who get paid to write for comedy shows and they just seem to have the best work I could possibly think of. Does that mean that comedy writers have my dream job? I can’t think of a better job than being able to write for a comedy show like “The Office” or “Parks and Recreation” or some of the other NBC comedy shows. Of course, I have only written 4 pages of a cold open for an episode of “The Office” and, true to form, I never finished it because I was worried it would suck and no one would ever read it anyway. I really wish I had the balls to put all of myself into something, just once, to see what kind of damage I could do.
B!
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Sometimes Patrick, when you do not think about it, the moment comes to you. We all have writers block in one way or another. An artist does not see color on his canvas only the white. The painting of zero thought drives a man crazy but as he worries that he may never see color, he must walk away for awhile, take a deep breathe, calm the mind and soul, nourish the body of what it needs, and then opens his eyes to visions of depth and reality. You must step away from your moment Patrick, not as failure but as an artist who needs to calm the ocean of churning waves to calm the hurricane inside. It will come my friend, do not be so hard on yourself.
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