You've Pretty Much Done Everything Wrong

Have you ever come across somebody who is just so completely jacked up that you can only hope they have a good personality? Like someone who has literally NOTHING going for them in any capacity that someone could possibly have something going for them?

We’ve all seen the people who are almost completely jacked up but have at least something positive going for them:

“Well, she’s a total bitch and she doesn’t just have cankles she has thighkles (that’s pronounced “thigh-culls” for those who don’t know how to pronounce shit I just made up), but at least she has a pretty face and can juggle chainsaws, so she’s not all bad.”

“That guy is a douchebag, he sucks at sports, he smells like the inside of a skunk’s pee hole and he has herpes on his lips, but that F’er makes a good apple turnover. To die for. Just don’t sit next to him while you’re eating it because you really might die.”

“That son of a bitch has a real bitch for a mother. That’s why I call him that. But at least he can do 26 pushups and does walk-a-thons for charity.”

The reason I ask is because I just ran across a lady at the gym a couple of days ago and she was so completely jacked up I was literally at a loss for words inside my own mind. That’s really saying something, because my mind is where I store ALL the words I know, so when I can’t even find one to describe her I know something is major wrong with the universe.

Let me paint a little picture with the words I have at my disposal now, two days after the incident. She was close to 6’ 4” tall. Probably in the neighborhood of 350 lbs. She had a military style buzz cut with a dye job that actually was wasted money because she was balding in several patches around her head, quite possibly because of the shitty dye job. Her makeup could probably be described as being caked on, but I would actually go one step further and say she ladled her makeup onto her face then stuck her face into her microwave and spent 12 seconds on the “soften” setting. It was bad. Probably the worst I’ve ever seen, which is saying something because I’ve worked around some ghetto-ass hoochie-mamas in my time in the mall in Mesa. You know what I’m talking about.

She was wearing a lime green v-neck shirt with a not-matching purple set of cotton athletic shorts. Her shoes and socks were both white, so I guess she had that going for her. I won’t get into the cottage cheese around her ENTIRE legs because that borders on being downright mean and I don’t want to go there. Plus I like cottage cheese in small doses. When I buy it at the grocery store. Not when it’s dripping out of someone’s shorts.

Anyway, for all intents and purposes this lady was COMPLETELY jacked up in every facet of her looks. She literally had nothing going for her in that department. My first instinct was to be kind of sad for her. I know it isn’t possible for everyone to be beautiful, because then how would we tell each other apart and then we’d have to have a subset of ugly beautiful people and the whole universe would probably collapse upon itself in one giant Tommy Hilfiger ad. Oh the horror.

So I’m busy being sad for this woman, because everyone should feel beautiful at least once in their life and, for really reals, the only way this woman could ever look beautiful would be if everyone on earth closed their eyes at the same time and imagined her as a completely different person. I find myself hoping against hope she has a good personality. Like a REALLY good personality. Like maybe the best personality on earth. The kind of personality that makes nuns and Peace Corps volunteers punch themselves in their own necks when they stand and reflect on how bad their personality is in relation to hers. The kind of personality that makes people give her awards and keys to the city and stuff like that.

Then I hear her talk. And she’s a bitch. She’s Shrek without the heart of gold. She’s Shrek if Benito Mussolini did the voice in the animated feature instead of Mike Myers. She’s rude and stupid. She insults a worker for doing her job. She barrels an old woman out of her way as she walks through the foyer of the gym.

She kicks a puppy, burns a bible and eats a small child on her way out of the gym. In the parking lot she farts on a Smart Car and it bursts into flames. She does a Hulk Smash on a Toyota Prius parked next to her, reducing it to dust. Then she gets into a huge, lifted truck with a sticker of Calvin peeing on a picture of sugar and spice and everything nice. Then she puts it in 4 wheel drive low and backs over a group of people on their way to donate blood before peeling out and wasting gas while throwing litter out of her driver’s side window.

All of which just goes to prove that, thanks to that lifted truck, on top of everything else, she has a small penis too.

So she goes from being devastatingly ugly to being devastatingly ugly with a shitty personality and a small penis. “Maybe she’s really smart,” I think to myself. Then I remember that she owns a lifted truck in metropolitan Phoenix. Strike three.

I hope she has a sister who’s even worse. Then maybe she’ll have something going for her.

B!

P.S.—parts of this blog were made up. It is up to you to decide. Good luck and Godspeed to you.