A Tremendous Waste Of Everything (Originally Posted on Sept. 22, 2005)

I'm frustrated at the world right now and I really would like to go punt a kitten into a woodchipper. Okay, I take that back, that's a gross visual and way more, ummmm, "animal unfriendly" than I would ever be. Don't take that woodchipper statement to heart, at least not with a kitten. The dumb ass with the loud muffler down the street is another ballgame though. He just might be a little harder to punt into a woodchipper. Kittens have better aerodynamics and less body mass, but probably a larger brain and bigger balls than that idiot.

See what you get when you let me loose on a keyboard with no defined subject matter?

So I went to the gym today even though I really really really REALLY didn't want to go (hooray me, yipee). I did 35 minutes of cardio on the eliptical trainer and came across something quite eye-opening while I was rocking the cardio.

There is a little magazine called Glamour that the ladies seem to read quite a bit at the gym. I judge this on how destroyed the cover was and how dog-eared the pages were. In all fairness, it could be dudes reading it (as I was) to see what kind of crap the ladies like to read. I have only one thought about this magazine aimed at women: What a load of worthless shit. Seriously, it's even worse than my blogs, and that's really saying something.

This magazine was just out of control with "articles" like "99 Ways To Dress Mostly Slutty" and "47 Ways To Say 'Cute' When You See Someone Wearing Shoes You Like" and things of this nature. I have a bunch of ideas for some stories they should put into this 300 page pile of shit.

These are only article titles, mind you, but you can imagine the copy contained within:

Guys Don't Care What Your Shoes Look Like As Long As YOU Are Hot
That Shirt Isn't Cute When You're Standing In Front Of The TV
37 Ways To Say Yes To Sex With The Guy With The Goatee
How To Stay In The Other Room When The Football Game Is On
Don't Worry, He Can't Be Drunk ALL The Time
He's Not Thinking About Anything After Sex--Deal With It
Sometimes The Floor Is Just As Good As A Hamper
For God's Sake Woman, Don't Wear Sandals If Your Feet Are Jacked!
Butthair On The Toilet--A Man's Way Of Marking His Territory
Clean Shower/Dirty Man or Dirty Shower/Clean Man--Take Your Pick
37 More Ways To Say Yes To Sex With The Guy With The Goatee Special Bonus Section

I think I might be ready to start my own magazine. I will fill it with actual useful information instead of the fluff they give out in Glamour and whatever else women read (Cosmo is the exception, sometimes, even though they do spout lots of disinformation that is balanced out by stories of slutty girls. Slutty girls YEAH!). A guy equivalent to those types of magazines would be 85 pages of ads for guns, a 50-word article about how to actually pee INTO the toilet, 43 pages of ads for beer, an article on how to get a mail order bride, 19 pages of ads for porn and mail order brides, an article with accompanying photo about the STD of the Month, 37 pages of ads for penis enlargements and, finally, one picture of boobs inside the back cover.

Wait a minute, that sounds fucking BRILLIANT! Anyone want to back me and get this magazine off the ground? We'll call it HETERO--THE MAG and only accept ads from gun manufacturers, beer companies and companies that sell sleeveless T-shirts.

I am a genius. A suuuuuper genius.

That is all. Go on about your business, I've got a magazine to start.

B!

The New Blog Test

This is the new place for the blogs. I am typing this more as a test than anything. You can also check out some of my other blogs on www.myspace.com/thebchild

I like myself.

Enjoy, you pricks.

B!